Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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