I can text with my tongue
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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