Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
