My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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