U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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