you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
