Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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