He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
