I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
