I love how my cats smell like pot.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
