also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
