you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
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