you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
