I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
