I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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