Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
