I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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