Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
