Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
