she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
