i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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