I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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