Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
