u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I still have a little drunk in my system
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
