i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
