I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
