This is not my ceiling
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
