I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
