She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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