The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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