I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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