my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Moan for me like Helen Keller
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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