I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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