Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
