Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
