Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just pee around me
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Randomize
