Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
