Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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