I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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