don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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