You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
