I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
So squirting runs in the family.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
