The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
