Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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