I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
