Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
