BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
