We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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