So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
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How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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