If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
