he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
