I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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