My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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