Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
