shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
