Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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