dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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